Let's be honest: almost everyone has thought about it. But between the awkward apps, the unsolicited couple DMs and the general weirdness people bring to the conversation, it's hard to know how to actually go about it without being That Couple.

Good news: it's not that complicated. It just requires a little self-awareness, a lot of communication and knowing how to read (and send) the right signals. Here's how to do it without making anyone feel like a prop in your relationship.

First, let's talk about "unicorn hunting"

If you've spent any time in ENM circles, you've heard this term thrown around like an accusation. And sure, some couples absolutely deserve the side-eye: the ones who treat a potential third like a human sex toy with no feelings, limits or life outside of their relationship.

But the problem was never "looking for a third person". The problem is doing it without transparency, without respect for the other person's autonomy and without being honest about what you actually want.

The real ethical framework is pretty simple: know what you want, communicate it clearly and graciously accept whatever answer you get. That's it. That's the whole thing. Everything else is just details. So no, looking for a threesome isn't inherently wrong. Being weird and deceptive about it is.

Before you open Feeld: the conversation you need to have first

The step most people skip and the one that causes the most chaos later. Before you start swiping or showing up to events with hopeful eyes, have an honest conversation with your partner(s) about what you're actually looking for. Not the version that sounds good, the real one.

Some questions worth sitting with together:

• Are you looking for a one-time experience, something ongoing, or potentially something more like a throuple situation? (Very different things, worth clarifying).
• What happens if one of you connects more strongly with the third person than the other does?
• What are each of your individual limits; things that feel exciting in theory but might feel different in the moment?
• How will you check in with each other during and after?
• What's the plan if it doesn't click? Do you call it, does one person keep talking to them, how do you handle it without it becoming a whole thing?

None of this has to be a serious sit-down meeting with an agenda. But knowing where you both stand before someone else is involved makes everything exponentially less messy.

Where to look

Not all platforms are created equal when it comes to finding people who are actually on the same page.

Feeld is the obvious first stop: it was built for exactly this, the interface is designed for couples and solo explorers alike, and the people there generally know what ethical non-monogamy means. It's not perfect, but it's the most consent-aware mainstream option out there.

OkCupid has extensive options for relationship structures and sexual orientations, which means you're more likely to find people who have already thought about these things.

Hinge is more mainstream but workable if your profiles options and if you're clear about what you're looking for.

Fetlife isn't a dating app but is worth considering if your interests lean kink-adjacent: the community there is generally well-versed in consent culture and negotiation. It's also a good place to find in-person events like munches where you can meet people in a low-pressure social setting.

What to avoid: sliding into someone's DMs on a mainstream app where they have no context for being approached by a couple. It's a bad surprise for everyone involved.

But meeting IRL is honestly underrated: ENM meetups, poly-friendly events, queer bars and sex-positive spaces put you in a room with people who are already operating in a similar headspace. The conversation starts from a completely different place when the context is already established.

How to actually do it ethically

A few things that seem obvious but apparently need saying:

Be upfront from the start. Not three weeks into texting, not after the first date. From the beginning, be clear about who you are, what you're looking for and what this might look like. Let the other person make an informed decision.

Don't assume orientation. A woman does not become bisexual by proximity to your relationship, neither does a man. Don't assume that because someone is interested in one of you, they're automatically interested in both. A bisexual woman isn't automatically interested in both partners in a mixed-sex couple, and bisexual men exist too (revolutionary, I know). In a world where women are expected to be flexible and men are still heavily stigmatized for any curiosity outside the straight and narrow, assuming orientation in either direction is a losing game. Ask, listen to the answer.

The third person has a whole life. They have preferences, limits, feelings and their own experience of this situation. They're not there to complete your relationship or fill a role you've already written. They're a person, treat them accordingly.

Consent is ongoing. It doesn't happen once at the beginning and then it's done. Check in before, during and after. Things can shift, people can change their minds and that's allowed.

Have a plan for "this isn't working". What happens if the chemistry is off? What if one of you wants to continue and the other doesn't? Decide this in advance so nobody has to improvise in an already awkward moment.

Sending the right signals (without saying a word)

Here's the thing about finding a third: sometimes the best opportunities aren't on apps at all. They're at the coffee shop, the bar, the art opening. And sometimes you want to signal who you are and what you're open to without having to announce it to the room.

That's where what you wear actually matters.

The subtle signal: if you're a couple where one of you is bisexual, wearing something that reads as queer in the right circles can do a lot of the work for you. Our Very Fruity design (crop top, tote bag, t-shirt ) is exactly that: fruity = queer, for anyone in the community.

Story time: we actually heard from a customer that she and her partner were on vacation and having lunch at a sandwich shop when their server noticed her Very Fruity crop top and mentioned she liked it. Before they left she invited them to join her later at the bar where she was going out that evening. The rest, as they say, is not for this article :)

Same logic applies to our BI AF design: bold enough to be visible, specific enough to say exactly what it needs to say to the right person.

The less subtle signal: if you're past the stage of subtext, our Throuple Material design says it clearly and with exactly the right amount of cheek. Worth noting: throuple material isn't just about a one-time experience, it signals openness to something more lasting, which is arguably a more ethical starting point anyway.

And if you just want to signal ENM/poly community membership to people who'll recognize it, our Compersion designs do the job quietly and beautifully. Not everyone will know what it means, but the ones who do will absolutely clock it.

The after

Even when everything goes well, the after is worth thinking about.

Check in with your partner(s), check in with yourself, and if the other person is open to it, check in with them too. Not to debrief like a board meeting, but just to make sure everyone's actually okay.

And if it was a great experience that you'd like to be cheeky and acknowledge in the most Oh Posies way possible, we have cards for that: Thanks for sharing for the classy exit, and Thanks for the orgasms for when you're feeling bold.

Conclusion

Looking for a threesome isn't the problem. Being unclear, assumptive or inconsiderate about it is. Know what you want, say it out loud, respect whatever comes back. And maybe wear something that does a little of the talking for you.

Browse our full ENM & polyamory or Queer & LGBTQ+ collections at ohposies.com or start with the signals above.

If this resonated, share it with your partner(s) or with that one friend who's been asking a lot of questions lately. You can also subscribe to our newsletter with the form below for more ENM-centered reflections, signal-sending tips and the occasional new drop from the collective. And if you've got a story about sending the right signals at the right moment, we'd love to hear it in the comments!